Who am I? Why am I here?

 As Admiral James Stockdale once said, "who am I, why am I here?"  Lately, I've been asking myself the same two questions.

Who am I?

For most of my adult life, I was a member of a busy urban EMS system.  Seven years ago, I retired from that system after 32 years.  When I retired, I had a job waiting for me, doing similar work, but in a senior leadership role.  Unfortunately, due to some...conflicts...that didn't work out as well as I would have liked, and I (voluntarily) left that position.  Since then, I've worked in various other roles, none of which are/were in the EMS universe.  As I ponder the path of my life, I'm just now realizing that I allowed myself to "identify" with EMS and let that become "who I am".  

Unfortunately, since I don't want to return to that environment (it does take a physical and mental toll), I'm feeling increasingly "lost" every day.  While the jobs I've had since then have been ok, they weren't (and aren't) fulfilling.  The problem is that, at soon to be 60 years old, I still don't know what I want to be when I "grow up".

Why am I here?

I'm married and we have a 15-year old daughter. While I love both my wife and daughter, I can't help but feel as if I'm just a means to an end:  my wife has the child she wanted, and a house to live in, but I can't remember the last time we've been intimate.  It's been years.

My wife has a non-verbal learning disorder, which mostly means that she can't "read the room".  More than that, however, she talks to herself (out loud) almost constantly, so I don't really pay attention to her, and when we have a disagreement, she can't let it go.  She pokes at it (and me) for hours, and sometimes days.

Our daughter was recently diagnosed with ADHD, depression, and as being on the Autism spectrum (not "badly", more like "a touch of Aspergers"). Adding to that is the typical teenaged girl angst and the fact that she's gay, and she's not having an easy time of it.  Additionally, my sister-in-law and her boyfriend, who are also both on the spectrum (to a more severe degree) live with us. Think 50-year olds acting like 15-year olds.

More often than not, I feel as if I'm the only "normal" person in my house, although I'm 100% positive that I have some sort of issue(s) as well.

We're all currently on vacation, and it's a freaking nightmare.  A day hasn't gone by where I haven't lost my cool and snapped on someone.  I want to just pay the airline change fee and take myself home, but I know if I do that, I'll never hear the end of it.  So, mostly, I'm just keeping to myself, exploring on my own, and not going with anyone else anywhere.

So, here it is:

• I don't know who I am anymore
• I don't know why I'm still (or even) here
• And I don't know what to do